first birthWithin an inflatable pool,levity exists in the form of cartoon-fishpainted upon the sidesas I find myself gripped by the replication of my speciesIn that primal zonebetween lizard and human brainI vocalize.I bring forththe voice of a hurricaneinto the stillness of the roomshouting him into being--powerful.Willing him into existance. Willing it to be over. Tapping into the forceof my foremothers with all the intensity they offer- I FAIL TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THIS MOMENT ...then I do.and then the pain comes around againharderfasterharderfasterROARING, ROARINGdeep and primal until I feel myself s p l i t t i n g opento reveal that tender new self still yet unaware of his being separate pulsing cord connectedpurple and blinking and pissed knowing cold for the first timebut here, earthside. Mine.Together we rest, spent.
New lifeSmall gringreets me in the wee hoursprint of an ear on my arm from a sweet, sweaty head sleeping on me.my heart aches with the joy of holding him.smelling of innocence and newness, he rootsclick, clacklatching on- milk flows freelyafter the pinching sensationsmelling of early spring mornings crisp and dewy, earth and sweet grass.the pain and the joy,a discordant harmonywithin me, without me.what an unexpected thingthis new life.
springThe slowness of winter,sluggish hibernation of thoughtaction impaired, cluttered nestgives way to the gentle wakingof the arrival of spring-longer days,robins flying.Snow melting. House sighing.Space too small insideitching to be out in the sunblinking in the brightnessafter months darkfeeling frenzied, frazzled,readying for change.Oh, sweet spring.I've missed you.
Narcissista I'm not her. I don't have the energyto spend on lies and diet pillsand to start over so many times... leaving a swath of burning housesscorched earth, people used beyond reuse. Did you ever think about that?They are humans, not resources.I don't have the time for a new man every time the new wears off. For the drama. For the rumors. For bullshit.I. Don't. Have. The. Time.So don't compare me to her.Don't judge me for cutting off the oxygento her narcissistic fires. I WILL NOT BURN just to see her smile.
radiant lovelike an atomaccelerating splittingmacro fissionenergetic emissionas two beings emergeseparatelyfrom one body energy releasedenergy burnedbrighter than imaginedas the first cry is heardgrowing in intensityproof of life proof of loveglowing brighter radiant.
Loston the edge of reason, of an unraveling fabric-time stands still as I circle throughthis undiluted realitywondering how the who the howthe fuck is me?Setting goals, meeting deadlinesmaking bank, and godamn my dear, in all these years...myself I do not know.